The Denver Picayune
						Lowell Conn WTBS: Woah, Those Bears Suck! Boy, what a pathetic excuse for a baseball Team. Back in my day, a team that played this bad would be run out of town on a rail -- if they were lucky. I had an interview with Bears "manager" Tom Austin early in the year. I told him he had a bunch of nobodies on his team and didn't stand a chance in the 'handle against real baseball teams. Austin laughed genially (what a sap) at the time and assured me that he felt his Bears would be quite competitive. Hey Austin: whattaya think now? How do you like FIFTH place? Humble as I am, I would never say this, but: I told you so! I told you so! You Loser! I should be fair.... The Bears players are hardly the only nobodies, and hardly the only candidates for my stinging, but brilliant, wit today. General Manager Tom "My Granddaddy's The Owner" Austin should get a lot of credit too. Tommy: NEWS FLASH: the following players were sitting at home while you put this bunch of yahoos together: Mathewson Musial Mays What were you thinking, Tommy? did you think the players you got were better than these guys? What's that? A salary cap? You had to make room for Tom Matchick, didn't you? Gee, it didn't seem to stop California from signing Gehrig, Wagner, Robinson and Dazzy Vance, now did it? I'm sure you thought that real stars would break your budget or something. Funny, last time I looked, California was leading the division AGAIN, and there you were in FIFTH place. I guess you showed them. Don't even get me started on "Manager" Tom Austin's genius. This guy is so predictable, you'd think he filled out a managerial strategy form at the beginning of the year and mailed it in! Tell me you didn't mail it in, Austin. Oh well, at least he's a clubhouse leader. Ooops! I forgot the great delegator has Ken "What Did I Think of Kingman's Performance?" Agard to give the clubhouse sermons. Hey, you really fired 'em up that time, Agard! You got 'em so fired up they went out and lost eight in a row! What did you tell them, that there'd be no more TV commercials unless they won? No more phone calls with their agent during the game? I know, you told them they could party with Roy Thomas if they won! That'll motivate them! In conclusion, I'm just sorry that the Bears' fine owner and humanitarian, Mr. Thomas Austin, had to witness such ineptitude in his name. Mr. Austin has done too much good for this community over the years to deserve this. A museum or a hospital, maybe but this? It brings tears to my eyes. If you're reading this, Mr. Austin, sir, the BMW is wonderful. Brown is my favorite color!
			Bears Buckle! GM, Manager Under Fire Binkley Smith Picayune staff writer Just when Denver fans were ready to embrace their surprising team, the previously powerful Bears turned into Bear Cubs. Facing a determined challenge from defending champion California, the Bears pulled a spectacular collapse, reminding local fans of the '64 Phillies or, even worse, the '95 Angels. The Bears showed a complete lack of character, dropping eight in a row to Texas, Belmont, and Hillcrest, three clubs the Bears have been completely unable to solve. In the collapse, the local boys showed remarkable team spirit: the pitching stank, the hitting reeked, the fielding smelled, and the managing reminded one of old fish. "Whiz Kid" GM Tom Austin Jr. "strengthened" the team with high-priced pitchers Joe Williams and Mike Garcia. Garcia was late reporting due to contract troubles with the league office, allowing Big Ed Halicki to be shelled once more for the road before being released. Meanwhile, "Smokey Joe" Williams pitched less like "Smokey Joe" Wood and more like "Charlie" Williams. First-half heroes Josh Gibson and Ken Keltner have hit the water cooler more times than they have connected on fastballs, and Riggs "Steve Sax" Stephenson, has single-handedly revived the Denver souvenir market with his wild tosses into the first-base seats. Even Coach Agard's famed motivational speeches failed to get a rise out of this bunch of deadheads. After the Bears fell into a first place tie with the Quakes, Agard held one last closed-door meeting with the troops, exhorting them with his usual fire and brimstone. His speech so fired up the local nine that they charged out the next day and began their epic eight-game losing streak, their second longest of the year. Bears Co-owner Candy Hotcakes in a thoughtful mood. Possibly the only local winner in this latest debacle is co-owner Candy Hotcakes, who will find fewer and fewer local fans willing to fight to keep a fifth place team in Denver. Hotcakes, reached for comment in her hotel suite, was noncommittal: "Sure, I want the team to win. I think they need to, like, score more touchdowns, though. Shut up, Roy, I'm on the phone! Get me some more chocolates like a good boy." Pressed for further detail, she replied, "Denver fans want a team that's cool. Right now we, like, suck!". Denver Picayune, first edition Denver Picayune, second edition
				Copyright ©1998 by Tom Austin Last updated 5/1/98 Gregg Pearlman, EEEEEEgp@EEEEEEgp.com Back to the EEEEEE! Home Page