by David Beck
EEEEEE!Contributing Editor
August 23, 1998
This past week, Sports Illustrated -- the one with Randy Johnson of the Astros on the cover -- did a feature called "What's Right With Sports, 76 Reasons to Celebrate Sports." I picked up a copy and wanted to see for myself. Are these 76 items really worthy of being "what's right," or are they just typical sycophantic ramblings? As I carefully examined each and every one, I actually found about thirty of them that I could genuinely say were things right about sports, or in the least had some notable redeeming value in some form. Several were things very much not right about sports, while some were just items that I cared little about, were "non"-items, or were not worth mentioning.
But hey! About thirty good things! There's hope!
Now you may be thinking, "How could Dave say anything good about sports?" Please note, I am a tried and true cynic, but I am not a pessimist, fatalist, or a gloom-and-doomer. If something is true and good and right, I will revel in it with everyone. In fact, that really is what my entire EEEEEE! contribution is about -- identifying, preserving, and lifting up the honor and integrity of the game of baseball and the San Francisco Giants, and of sports overall for that matter. Much of that involves getting rid of all the crud that mucks it up, like -- oh -- like... free agency for one thing.
As I looked through the items listed in this week's Sports Illustrated, I surmised that the SI contributors all got around a table with some pizza and sodas and just shot the breeze about the "little things" that they liked about sports. These guys -- indeed any sportswriter kind of guys -- can be nauseatingly sycophantic, but sometimes they can also accurately articulate the prominent zeitgeist. The 76 items are those that they assume that Joe Fan thinks are the best things about sports.
The Top Ten list here is drawn only from the SI list of 76, in order to do this in good faith to Joe Fan, but there are many other things that are right about sports that these guys didn't cover, but I'll touch on some of those later.
Anyway, here they are, in reverse order of gooditude. Feel free to compare and contrast with your issue of SI and its list of 76...
10. The Dome Team Disadvantage. I don't necessarily hate domes. It's just that they aren't great, so it's perfectly fine for teams in domes to fail frequently in order to prohibit any remote thoughts that there would any advantage at all to playing in a dome. And of course, none of my favorite teams play in a dome, so I don't have to worry about it.
9. Army vs. Navy In Anything. I am tremendously indifferent to college football. I love pro football and the Kansas City Chiefs, but I think all the attention given to college football is silly. To me, it is minor league football, and I can't figure out for the world what the big deal is with it. One of the biggest wastes of breath is any discussion of the Heisman Trophy. Who cares? Yet at the beginning of December, when I want to hear stuff about the Chiefs and their playoff possibilities, I inevitably get some pundit bozo who drones on and on about whether the Heisman should be given to Spike Spittle or Lefty Flattis.
However, at about the same time of year is the Army-Navy game. For some reason -- stupid, I know -- if I am home doing chores on a rainy Saturday morning, I've got that Army-Navy game on. And I love it. Yeah, I know -- why? All they do is run the ball. They make all kinds of mistakes; most of the players aren't nearly as good as the average college players on other teams.
I really think, though, it is the history, it is what Army and Navy stand for, it is all the neat stuff like the cannons and the cheers and the camaraderie, and mostly it is the most fierce brand of competition I have ever seen. It is great stuff.
8. Barry Sanders Running Out of His Shoes. No one in the world would argue against the fact that Barry Sanders is the most exciting runner there has ever been in pro football. Don't give me any pap about Jim Brown or O.J. Simpson or Walter Payton. Barry Sanders is the one.
I could not care less about the Lions or even whether or not Barry ever gets into a Super Bowl. I also hate these people who say, "I just came to see such-and-such a player." This applies to any player that is not on your team, even to Michael Jordan. What toadying geeks.
But Barry Sanders is the only player who plays for a rival team, the only one, ever, in any sport, of whom I would say along with all those toadying geeks, "I'm watching because I want to see this guy run."
7. Walk-ons. What I love about this is that it jabs college football right in its institutionalized, over-hyped, arrogant gut. The whole idea of "Rudy" is something that every young red-blooded American believes in to the core. It's the idea of turning the establishment on its head.
The only problem with the Rudy of the movie is that he tries out for Notre Dame. Eee-yach. A college that is just as much part of the institutionalized, over-hyped, arrogant, toadying establishment as anything. What kind of a movie would it have been if Rudy had tried out for Hofstra? Yep, you got it. Joe Fan screaming, "It's not Notre Dame! It's not the Yankees! It's not the Cowboys! It's not the Bulls! Who cares?!" Or, "Any walk-on doof can make Hofstra, but Notrrre Daaaaammme, that's different."
Why? Why is it different? Why does Notre Dame have this grander-than-anything-else stature? Notre Dame is just like all those teams that command profound groveling (NBC gives them their own exclusive TV contract for extra groveling pleasure.)
6. Bounce Pass. Ah, a beautiful, graceful, crucial part of basketball. A fundamental that must be worked at diligently. A thousand slam dunks couldn't replace its brisk elegance.
Funny that nowhere in the SI list was appreciation for the sacrifice bunt. Or the sacrifice fly. Or the even the single to right. Nowhere. Why is that, O Great Mac and Junior?
5. A Fast Break In Which the Ball Never Touches the Ground. Another magnificent basketball fundamental. SI's comment says it all: "Dribbling is for kids in high chairs; unselfish ball movement is for the ages."
4. The First Four Days of March Madness. I have a distinctly different view of college basketball than I do of college football. Much of it is because I have always been a fan of Kansas basketball, and it is fun because KU is one of my favorite teams that have actually been reasonably good.
But I also enjoy the college game for one other crucial reason, and that is because of this "March Madness" stuff. I must admit, I am hooked. These kids play so hard, most of them come from these little non-arrogant, non-hyped, non-"establishment" schools. While there are your standard blow-outs, many of the early contests are intense, hard-fought, down-to-the-wire affairs.
I happened to see the game last year when that guy from Valparaiso -- I don't even know if that was the school -- I think it was, but who cares? -- took this splendid pass at mid-court with, like, two seconds left, down by two, and drilled this perfect three-point bomb to win the game.
It wasn't the Jayhawks, it wasn't even the Chiefs or the Giants for that matter, but it was fun.
3. Helping an Opponent Up after Knocking Him on His Butt. Pure and absolute rightitude in sports.
Those who think that this is being a weenie out there on the field of play are simply not capable of understanding what it means to be playing the game, to be able to separate the part that can be a good guy and the part that plays all out, and that they can both be out there are the same time.
This leads to the important corollary to this...
2. Grip It and Rip It. "John Daly's maxim works for all sports: It's only a game, so swing hard." I know it is a golf item, but its meaning is priceless...
The only way to play the game, is to play with everything you've got. Play it as though it were the most important thing in the world, but with the understanding that it is only a game, so those other things, like the relationships you build in the endeavor, are much more important.
Couple of quotes that have influenced me tremendously in applying this principle:
From John Wooden, famous coach of UCLA basketball: "Winning is not everything, but it is everything for the next 40 minutes."
And a similar sentiment from Olympic gold-medalist softball pitcher Michelle Granger, who when asked about how she keeps from being consumed by the game, simply said, "It is fun while I'm in it."
And the top item that is right with sports, in fact, this is one of my top four or five things that is right in all of life...
1. Football in the Mud. It is a sad commentary about our mammon-driven world today that artificial turf, domes, and sophisticated drainage systems were instituted in order to keep fans at the stadium. "Pay us your money and we'll assure you'll get to see the game in dryness and comfort."
This has made almost extinct the muddy contests you see in clips from the NFL Films archives, scenes of Dick Butkus mauling some unsuspecting halfback while carrying twenty pounds of dampened earth on his back
But it is wonderful to know that on a drizzly, Saturday morning, you can still put on the old torn tattered jeans and sweater, gather up a handful of guys dressed likewise, and head out to the park with the football.
It is the absolute best.
In this list, you may note that there is nothing about baseball. When I compiled my list of the "Ten Best," I made no efforts to distinguish some things from others based on sport -- that is, I did not deliberately leave out baseball because of my animosity toward free agency. With that in mind, I look at the items from SI's list of 76 that do refer to baseball and include the appropriate comment...
It is just not that important.
Thing is, the product being featured for this important rite now stinks.
"Hey son! Look at that! There is Cal Ripken Jr. We all think he set the record for consecutive games played, even though he went on strike and didn't actually play in scheduled games his team was supposed to play in 1994. But we don't care because we love him so!"
"Hey son! Look at that! Lots of beer and cigarette ads so you can grow up to be a real man! It is a good thing we have those ads to look at to convince us to buy their products because then our beloved ballplayers will be able to get their millions of dollars in salaries they would not otherwise be able to get only from our $20-a-piece ticket price alone."
"Hey son! Look at that! There's Mark McGwire! He's going to try to hit another home run in his quest for the most home runs ever! We can come here to watch him so we can abrogate the far too stressful commitment to any one team, which -- should our chosen team lose -- would be way too damaging to our fragile self-esteems, especially yours because you are only a young lad unable to learn how to handle and overcome life's disappointments."
In fact, the other day the Giants beat Wood, him and his vaunted fastball. Now everyone is saying he has a dead arm. Gimme a break. So now the fastball is not this wonderful thing you all once thought it was. More major league toadying barfitude.
This one just reeks as one of those items these SI sportswriters threw in when they got to around 67 of them and were screaming, "Come on you guys! We need a hundred! We've got to get a hundred! It's all set up!: 'The Hundred Things Right With Sports'!"
So these guys strained and grunted and belched out nine more items, and when they got to 76 and simply couldn't squeeze out any more, one bright guy said, "Look. What is the deal with 'a hundred'? Let's just do 76. I know it is a meaningless number, but look here, we got 76 perfectly fine things. They'll buy it, let's just run with it."
Other items of note I list, and are worth going over, too.
The first list is...
Those Items that the SI Guys Said Were Things That Are Right But, Well, They Are Not, By Miles
Here is a sampling of their worst.
Anything having to do with boxing. Such as...
Not having some form of instant replay continues to be one of the dumbest ideas the NFL has ever had. To those boneheads who claim that the "integrity" of the game is served by having officials "call 'em the way they see 'em" and that is it, I ask this question:
Are you too stupid?
This thinking is not unlike that of those who oppose cochlear implants to help deaf people hear on the grounds that being deaf is something to be proud of, something that makes one's identity, and something that should not be changed.
As a passionate Chiefs fan, I damn well want my controversial Super Bowl winning touchdown ruled the touchdown that it should be after that chuckleheaded ref Jerry Markbright misses the call yet again.
Another thing, regarding the reference to the Immaculate Reception: where do these guys come off assuming that did not actually happen? The Raiders are a bunch of whiners, always have been, and will never accept the fact that not only did Harris legitimately catch the ball, but the ball did clearly bounce off Jack Tatum.
Finally, what is with the idea that, if the Immaculate Reception did not really happen, it is okay to say it did because there was no instant replay to overrule it? Would this sentiment be tolerated today?...
"And here's the pass, into the end zone, WHAT A GREAT CATCH! Touchdown! They win the game! But wait! Look at the replay! He only had one foot down! But ya know! That was such a great catch that they deserve to get that touchdown! And it's a good thing we don't have instant replay to ruin the great catch! What a calamity it would have been if they actually got the play right!"
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
The two worst items of all:
Okay, so along with tailgating, then, it is great for you to get as drunk as you can, so much so that you can't see straight. Let's see now, tailgating -- which means driving, and drinking -- which means getting drunk. Drinking and driving. That sure sounds like a GOOD thing about sports to me!
Yeah, no question they got this one way off.
Too many times these sports sycophants just can't seem to see what they are doing with their little jokes, like this supposedly funny bumper sticker. Some fan may be gurgling, "Wull it'sth funny!" as he takes another swig. But they are expressing the message that it is okay to drink excessively -- and, to take it to extremes, get wasted on drugs, and ruin your life even though you can laugh your way through it with your buddies while watching the Packers game.
I don't think for two seconds that a compulsive gambler's second favorite thing is losing a bet. "Nick the Greek's" quote (is this a real guy?) is another of those supposed-to-be-funny remarks that isn't, by miles.
The biggest problem with these two "harmless" pastimes, good ol' drinking and gambling, is that they are activities that too many people simply cannot manage. The idea SI puts out is one that Joe Fan "can handle it," so it is funny.
And every Joe Fan in the country will claim that he can. But many can't, will never admit it, and they will laugh along with the SI pundits as they destroy their lives, their families, their reputations by being consumed by alcohol addiction and compulsive gambling.
On to the second list, which is:
Those Items That Are Indeed Right About Sports, But Were Not Included In The SI List
Why were these things left out?! I can't figure it!...
With that in mind, here's the third list:
Those Items Left Off the List of What's Wrong With Sports
What do all these items have in common? Did it take you more than a whole nanosecond to get it?
They are all results of sports -- particularly baseball's -- obsession with getting more dollars from the fan. One of Reilly's items even addresses this specifically. I quote:
"Loving sports because it's about character, but hearing only about money."
This sentiment can be good if what he means is that we should really do something about it, like get rid of free agency. It is bad if what Rick means is that he just doesn't want to hear about it, much like the child who covers his ears in an earthquake screaming, "Make it go away, make it go away, Mommy!"
Well, it ain't going away.
Unless we want it to. And that means itemizing those things that make it about money and seeking to do something.
Yet again, it has to do with $$$.