by Richard Booroojian
It's official: Major League Baseball's new commissioner, Bud Selig, is the same guy as the old commissioner, Bud Selig, who supposedly will dump his interest in the Milwaukee Brewers in a not-even-remotely unsuccessful and transparent attempt (and how could you say otherwise?) to avert continued suspicions of conflict of interest. We're sure he'll have no trouble in this endeavor, as the team's new Owner-In-Name will be his daughter, Bud Jr., whom we know the new commissioner will treat with no more favoritism than he would treat any other major league team owner who happened to be his daughter.
Selig supporters -- who call themselves "Organization of Achievers for Selig" (OAFS) -- consider the new commissioner to be the most can-do, has-done commissioner Major League Baseball has ever seen, pointing to his many improvements such as the introduction of interleague play, wild-card races, and continued efforts to screw the San Francisco Giants and their fans (though this last is beside the point).
Below is the real, actual, we're-not-making-this-up (well, we could be -- I say "we," but it's all Richard), breaking story of Selig's final decision to accept the post that he was not actually seeking, which we know 'cause he said so. -- GP
After saying for six years that he wouldn't take the job, Bud Selig intends to become baseball commissioner and will call an owners' meetingin the next few weeks for a formal vote.
Selig made his intentions known after a group of owners approached him at last week's meetings in Seattle, according to a member of the sport's ruling executive council and a baseball lawyer, who both spoke on the condition of anonymity.
A draft press release leaked from the Office of the Commissioner-Elect says:
To all baseball fans,
We are thrilled that Bud Selig, a visionary, baseball expert and all-around bon vivant, has agreed at last to fill the position of baseball commissioner. It is clear that baseball is currently in great need of the leadership that only Mr. Selig can provide. It is expected that the full ownership committee will unanimously approve his appointment at the earliest opportunity.
As many know, Mr. Selig has long resisted the pleas of his fellow owners to accept this position. However, the owners were finally successful in pulling together a package that enticed him to accept the job. Marge Schott, whose car dealerships were involuntarily seized for inclusion in that package, had no comment that did not include profanity, ethnic slurs or complaints about the pending tobacco tax, though it is rumored that Schottzie II did urinate on the Commissioner's chair during an unscheduled and extremely unofficial visit to his office last week.
We are aware that there are some confused individuals who will be unhappy with this announcement. We find it unfair and frankly unacceptable that a pocket of nattering nabobs of negativity are spreading misinformation about this great leader and American. As such, the Office of the Commissioner-Elect is releasing this statement detailing some of the key initiatives that Mr. Selig intends to pursue during his terms of office, in hopes that these nay-sayers will be silenced by the scope of vision included therein.
Like many Americans, Bud Selig cares about the environment. In fact, it is a documented fact that fully 74% of the used cars sold from his lots during the 1990s passed the minimum local smog control standards prior to sale. Mr. Selig also personally stopped his driver from running over a family of ducks in March 1993.
Mr. Selig likes trees. Mr. Selig is concerned about trees. Mr. Selig worries about the alarming depletion of the nation's forests for activities not associated with critical activities such as mansion construction and the interstate transportation infrastructure. As such, Mr. Selig intends to make baseball a tree-friendly sport by, in part, requiring each park to plant at least ten trees beyond the outfield walls. Wooden fences will be replaced by chain link, barbed constructions. All dot-racing features will be replaced by tree-identification quizzes. Oh, and wooden bats will be banned and replaced by aluminum bats, effective immediately.
(Some will scoff that strip mining of minerals used in the formulation of aluminum creates an equal strain on the environmental landscape. Mr. Selig reminds those people that, as commissioner, he would never do anything that was not in the best interest of the game.)
Mr. Selig was scanning a magazine in his dentist's office recently and read that a player once accidentally threw a ball that hit a bird flying around in the outfield during a game. When he recounted this anecdote to one of his grandchildren, the child's tender heart was broken. Bud Selig is moved by a child's tears. As such, he intends to immediately require every stadium in baseball to be domed so as to keep our avian friends out of harm's way in the future.
It still pains Bud Selig's heart that the baseball fandom, in a dubious attempt to preserve certain historic but largely irrelevant rivalries, turned its ungrateful back on his enlightened efforts to realign the leagues to better attend to the owners' collective convenience. However, Mr. Selig knows that sometimes one must give one's constituents what they want, however ignorant, misguided and petty those wants might otherwise be. As such, Bud Selig has no intention of ever giving baseball fans the opportunity to find out how rewarding the new alignment structure might have been, no matter how much they might beg in the years ahead.
In fact, Mr. Selig is open minded enough to perceive that the fans of the game might have some meaningful insight into this matter. Mr. Selig has noted that some teams share rivalries that tend to create tremendous excitement and generate increased fan involvement and attendance. Though it is true that Mr. Selig's Milwaukee Brewers franchise does not currently enjoy such a rivalry relationship (Jeff Juden's beanball efforts notwithstanding), Bud Selig has the breadth of vision to understand that these rivalries must be nurtured at all costs.
In fact, Mr. Selig intends to bring the full force of his entrepreneurial skills to this opportunity. As a reknown owner of used car lots throughout the state of Wisconsin, Mr. Selig is very familiar with the laws of supply and demand. In that a limited supply of a popular product will tend to increase the demand of that product, Mr. Selig will soon present to the ownership group a daring plan to limit actual games played between intense rivals to a total of six every third year. Modest rivals will play six games every other year. The remainder of the schedule will be filled with games against teams that local fans have no specific interest in seeing. Because the Brewers have no defined rivalries, it will fill its schedule with games against the Braves, Yankees, Mariners, Mets and other popular and big market teams on a regular basis. Mr. Selig has also obtained a guarantee from the owner of Chicago White Sox that his franchise is willing to play 81 games each year against each of the two teams with the worst records from the prior season, a sacrifice for which the Commissioner-Elect is most appreciative.
Mr. Selig expects that the enthusiasm and attendance during those tri- and bi-annual series will top all previous levels in all locations, to the benefit of all.
It is hoped that as fans become familiar with the full scope of these exciting proposals for improving the game of baseball, enthusiasm for the appointment of Bud Selig to the job of Commissioner will continue to grow. However, the Office of the Commissioner-Elect is happy to announce that Mr. Selig has indicated he will remain in the job no matter how much unhappiness there is during his tenure so long as his salary for the job does not drop below $1 million per year and, more importantly, none of his expense checks bounce. This spirit of commitment to the great game of baseball is a perfect expression of the voice of the owners of Major League Baseball's thirty franchises. We are confident that Bud Selig will represent that group as well as anyone alive today possibly could.
Once again, EEEEEE! is determined to make Richard Booroojian famous without his knowledge or consent. Richard would like you all to know that the first two paragraphs -- before the "press release" -- come to us courtesy of the Associated Press.
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