- Leslie Parrish in "Who Mourns for Adonais?" First, let me mention
that this, despite Ms. Parrish's presence, is among my least favorite
episodes, and I have no pity for Apollo. Also, the title is so
off-the-wall. Most people say "Adonis," which makes no sense in
the context of the episode. I've heard Walter Koenig pronounce
it "Ad-do-nay-is," which -- I mean, I don't know what the hell
that means. I think they're shooting for "Oddo-nighs," as in Adonai,
as in one of the Hebrew names for God. However, if this is the
case, then the title implies that it's simply no longer in vogue
to worship this particular "God" -- i.e. the so-called "Jewish"
God. That being the case, I can think of a Jew or two who might
find the concept of that title offensive. In fact, I can even
be one, so watch it.
But we're not talking spirituality here, we're talking babes,
in which category Leslie Parrish seems to have qualified. Actually,
she played her part quite well, and her expression was quite funny
when she told the big A that she could love him no more than she
could a new species of bacteria. But, I mean, who cares? The episode
But let's see more of her in that dress. Perhaps I should rephrase
that, because even in that dress, we pretty much see all of her.
I approve of that -- I have no problem with attractive women in
little or no clothing, and this includes my wife, of whom I'm
most fond. Come on, if you think I'm dirt because I like to look
at attractive women, then I suggest you turn your loathing toward
co-author Stadille, who drools over the Macy's underwear ads.
"Garter belts!" he moans. "Give me garter belts! Ohhhhh."
But let's analyze this. How the hell did Ms. Parrish keep that
dress on? The World of Star Trek mentions dressmaker's tape stuck to the dress and to her skin.
Sounds uncomfortable. However, that's not my problem. I do approve
of television series -- good series, that is -- in which a particular
female person has no difficulty displaying as much of an attractive
body as possible. (Diana Rigg in The Avengers comes to mind.)
- Barbara Luna in "Mirror, Mirror." First, that's one of the better
episodes, which is the main reason for watching it -- I mean,
what's the point of watching "Who Mourns for Adonais?" aside from
watching Leslie Parrish glide around the screen clad so scantily?
("Scad so clantily?")
Ms. Luna has shown up on a number of programs, including Mission Impossible and Perry Mason. She always plays someone of Latin descent, which, I suppose,
is reasonable -- her surname means "Moon" in Spanish.
"Mirror, Mirror" contains one of the silliest pieces of Star Trek
dialogue: "What about me?" she says. "Where does Marlena fit in?"
"Where does Marlena want to fit in?" says the rampant Captain
But nevertheless, in her dusky, exotic fashion, Barbara Luna cannot
be ignored as we prepare this list.
- What's-her-name in "Court Martial" -- you know, the prosecutor.
What a cutie. Not overly glamorous, but possesses an approachable,
down-to-Earth (if you will) attractiveness that makes her appear
as if she knows she's got it, but she doesn't take it that seriously.
- The one who played Helen Noel in "Dagger of the Mind." Wonderful
legs. Terrific miniskirt. Mmm-wah! No slouch at all -- kind of
reminds me of Geena Davis. A decent (if kind of silly) episode,
though. "Sure, I have no designs on Captain Kirk, none whatsoever."
Yeah, sure. "Right, Captain. Remember that Christmas party? Ho-ho!
Yup, you carried me to your cabin and ravished me, awash in passion
and perspiration. Uh-huh, really! Yeah! No, really! That's what
happened, I'm serious." (My goodness, what did go on between those
two? Kirk's kind of terse to her; I wonder if he had trouble with
-- naw, not Jim.)
Basically, the whole episode shows that ol' Jim really is a wolf
-- I mean, up on the bridge, it's all "Sir" and "Captain," but
in the boudoir it's "Jim will do here, Janice."
I think that ol' Jim likes to exert mastery over the lower ranks
-- especially the female ones he finds particularly cute. Once
in a while a lowly lieutenant dares to have hot pants -- well,
hot tights -- for the Big Guy, and he just takes advantage and
plucks her lights out. The man's naughty, I tell you. And as he
pulls on his boots afterwards, she says, "Will I see you again?"
and he says, "Whoops, sorry, I'm married to my ship." The man
is the ultimate sailor, I tell you.
- Another cutie no one makes too much fuss over is that attractive
actress playing Dara (or whatever) in the "Patterns of Force",
the Nazi episode -- she's a good guy, really. The uniform is kind
of revolting, but on her, it works.
- And another is Madelyn Rhue, who plays Marla McGivers in "Space
Seed." Very pretty, lovely figure -- but I agree with Khan: lose
the hairstyle. She does a wonderful job in a fairly limited role.
Another ex-Perry Mason guest -- and at least as attractive then.
- Lest we forget What's-her-face, who played Drusilla in "Bread
and Circuses." Wooo. "Hi, Captain, I'm your personal slave, and
I'll pretty much spend the entire night trying to be nice to your
privates." Mr. Stadille, our unmarried co-author, says, basically,
"Give me one of her." Tall, tan, young, lovely. Ahhhh.
- Actually, Jan Shutan, who plays Mira Romaine in "The Lights of
Zetar," another really stupid episode, merits comment. I can never
place her: I've seen her in other things, but I don't remember
what. She did a wonderful job in a basically silly role (not to
mention having the name of a kind of lettuce), and her fine figure
helped ease the pain of that wretched episode. (Have you ever
noticed what a thorough bozo Scotty is every time he gets in heat?)
- I know that at least one co-author will disagree, but Yvonne Craig
was -- in the words of a friend of mine, because God knows I would never say this -- a cupcake. (Yes, I know: words like that
are tar-and-feathers offenses.) In "Whom Gods Destroy," with the
very talented Steve Ihnat as Garth, Ms. Craig does a wonderful
job until she's blown up. This episode showed her to be an excellent
comedic actress, though usually she was pretty annoying in Batman. I understand she is now a very successful real estate agent.
They use pretty strange body makeup on her in this one, but she's
lavishly endowed and graceful. (Ever notice that so much hate
mail was generated when William Shatner kissed Nichelle Nichols
in "Plato's Stepchildren," but not when he kissed Yvonne Craig
in this episode? I mean, those imbeciles wouldn't tolerate "their"
Captain Kirk kissing a black woman, but it was perfectly all right
for him to kiss a blue one. You figure it out.)
Ms. Craig played her role incredibly well -- in fact, that episode
has some of the best acting in the entire series. And looking
at her is certainly a pleasure -- and dissenting co-authors can
take a hike.
- Another babesque person is Sabrina Scharf, who played Miramanee
in "The Paradise Syndrome." Now, the costume and makeup don't
do much for her, but she's muy attractive. Co-author Stadille
Then there's what we call the Ostensible Star Trek Babes: those
women who are represented in an episode as if they're honeys,
but actually fall far short -- whether it be due to costumes,
makeup, or "just not having it":
- Joan Collins, "The City on the Edge of Forever." Sorry, pals.
Of course, I mention her only because of a deep personal dislike
for her current image, so it may be grossly unfair to place her
in this context. But that's not my problem. (I also don't think
she's all that great in this episode.)
- Both of the "babes" in "Cloud-Minders." Honestly. What's-her-name,
the one who wants to get Spock alone for a few hours -- well,
she don't got it. Also, her hairdo is ridiculous. So's her costume.
But the "civilized Troglyte" is even less intriguing, if possible.
Crappy episode, un-babelike babes. Avoid this one, especially
if you're as shallow and callous as we are.
- What's-her-name in "The Deadly Years." This excellent episode
is marred slightly by one of Captain Kirk's many discarded lovers.
I think it's pretty easy to see why he discarded her. That insipid
accent, vile hairstyle, horrid costume, and all-around lack of
interesting physical aspects puts this lady near the top (well,
bottom) of the list.
- What's-her-face, the woman who played Deela in "In the Wink of
an Eye." Now, in my opinion she's not unattractive. Not at all.
However, I can't picture people leaving their wives for her, either.
Now, co-author Beck thinks the woman barks, but I tend to give
her the benefit of the doubt.
Interestingly, she's featured in one of the only three episodes
we can think of where Captain Kirk actually nails someone. (Pardon
me -- what a horribly sexist, insensitive term. I meant to say
"bones.") The other two are "The Paradise Syndrome" and "Bread
and Circuses," which features the lovely actress who played Drusilla,
Jim's bang of the evening.
Actually, what's-her-name-Deela-person does a marvelous acting
job. The only other thing I can think of having seen her in is
a Perry Mason where she played, not surprisingly, a ditzy blonde, and where
her clothing really showed off quite a nice figure. She shouldn't
actually be in this list, although I'm not sure she belongs in
the top list either.
- What's-her-name who played Tina What's-her-name in "Charlie X."
First, where do they find these hairstyles? Second, where do they
find that dialogue? ("I know when I'm not wanted! Hmph!") Third,
what the hell is a 15-year-old doing on a starship? She's the
one that Charlie turned into a reptile that makes strange noises.
- Sally Kellerman in "Where No Man Has Gone Before." Like a reasonably
fine wine, Ms. Kellerman has sort of more or less improved with
age. Actually, she is indeed quite attractive, and her wonderful
speaking voice has been heard on a number of commercials in the
past several years. But as a Star Trek babe she misses the mark
by a good yard or two.
In the last 30 years, Ms. Kellerman has -- I won't say "blossomed,"
because somehow that just doesn't quite fit -- but anyway, my
entirely correct opinion is that she's much more attractive in
(I hate to put it this way) middle age than in youth. But then,
the hairstyle kind of bit the big one, as did the sexless costume
they draped over her.
That kind of brings up another fairly obvious point about Star
Trek : the honestly ridiculous things they made the women wear,
especially crew members. I mean, come on: miniskirts? Let's be
real. Again, I like revealing clothing on attractive women, but
this is a military outfit. (Horrible pun not even remotely intended.
- Joanne Linville, who played Commander What's-her-name in "The
Enterprise Incident." I do enjoy that episode, but it violates
so many of Star Trek 's so-called principles set forth in previous
episodes. First, the Enterprise jumps offside into the Neutral
Zone, and Kirk has the gall to say "Whoops, sorry, went crazy
there" -- all as a very deliberate ploy to cause trouble for the
Romulans. That's quite antisocial. Second, Spock lies . A lot.
The byplay between Spock and the Romulan "babe" is incredibly
silly. Although I do have the occasional similar evening with
my wife: drinking out of square glasses (What if the corner doesn't
point downwards? Will you spill stuff all over your clothes?),
and giving each other finger-waves (handjobs, I guess you could
call them) -- kind of like Robin Curtis in Star Trek III: "Pon farr... pon... farr!" Yecch. I mean, really: the Romulan's
breathing deepens, she damn near pants in Spock's presence --
does she really expect to arouse the guy? And does he really expect
to think himself into a state of Vulcan arousal, all for the Federation?
The thing that makes this particular babe an ostensible one is
not her actual looks -- she's not exactly my type, but she's not
unattractive -- but the fact that she's totally sucked in, as
it were, by the enemy. Yup, she's really going to fall for that
Take this scenario. Here she is, a Romulan -- and a female one
at that. And don't try to make me believe in complete social or
economic equality between the sexes on Romulus, because you'll
be wasting your time. Anyway, here she is, having risen to Commander,
with little Subcommander Tal, a male, as her flunky. All very
nice. But if Romulus' culture is anything like ours, this lady
had to work harder and prove that she was better and more competent
than her male contemporaries. I mean, none of this "Well, we gotta
put women in high places" stuff: she earned her commission. And
here she is getting totally snookered by the Federation? And in
such a silly dress and earrings? I don't buy into it.
For these not entirely valid reasons, she appears on this list.
- Ruth in "Shore Leave." What's her name? I don't know. Ee-yecch.
Again, it's not so much that she herself is particularly unattractive,
but a number of factors put her on this list.
First, there's that horrid music that plays every time Big Jim
thinks of her. Don't you think he'd get tired of hearing it --
I mean, if I were Captain Kirk, I'd entirely stop thinking of
Ruth just to keep from having to hear that music. Bleah.
Second (again) the dress and earrings must go. I mean, this planet
goes and conjures up Kirk's fantasies? Well, it doesn't say much
for his tastes if he continually pictures Ruth in that horrid
Third -- oh, that hairstyle. Phyllis Diller meets the Queen of
England. Ker-pukle. And "Blecch."
But mostly, though, it's that insipid music.
- Just like with Jill Ireland, Leila Kalomi or whatever the hell
her name was in "This Side of Paradise" -- another of my least
favorite episodes. Where the hell did they come up with a Hawaiian
name for this blonde, pseudo-English chick? And especially: there's
that music again. Awful. Now, Ms. Ireland was a very attractive
woman (though not necessarily much of her as an actress), but
she, or her character, anyway, did very little for me in this
But anyway, mostly because of that music and the pity I fail to
feel for her character, Ms. Ireland appears on this list without
question. Also, I wish that whoever wrote that music woud jam
a G-clef up an orifice -- but not one of mine.
- What's-her-name that played Irina in "The Way to Eden." Horrible
episode. Seriously vomit-making and thoroughly unbuyable. Anyway,
here's Irina: ludicrous dress, silly makeup, horrible hairstyle
and fetid accent -- and Chekov gets a "stiffy." Blecch.
Sorry, hon, you go here.
- It almost hurts me to mention this one, but Lee Meriweather, who's
honestly beautiful, is almost bowwowesque in -- jeez, what is
the name of that episode? "I am for you, D'Amato." (Oh, yes: "That
Which Survives." Thanks, co-author Beck.) I think it's the costume.
And the eye makeup. I also think that co-authors Beck and Stadille
disagree with me, and both certainly would have elected her Miss
America way back when. I think Barnaby Jones hurt her credibility.
So anyway, here she is with the un-hons.
- Here's another one I'm not sure where to place. I mean, she's
got a wonderful figure, featuring a generous bosom and a lower
half with black leather trousers painted on, but her makeup and
wig totally detract from her otherwise spectacular appearance.
I speak of what's-her-face, who played Nona in "A Private Little
War." Yeah, lady, I got your Mako-root and Sexweed right here
. Pretty stupid episode. Also, she ends up being a bad guy, so
she's banished to the "ostensible" list. (Hey, you are not writing
this, I am.)
- Oh, yes: another un-hon: the salt monster.
- Kate Woodville, as Natira in "For the World is Hollow, and I have
Touched the Sky." Pretty silly episode. Ms. Woodville herself
is not unattractive, but, as usual, the costume, hairdo, accent
(well, let's be fair; I'm pretty sure she's English), quality
of the episode and many other factors doom her to this list. Oh,
and the eye makeup is kind of silly. And please : "Oh, don't worry,
McCoy, dear -- I can cure you." Yecch.
- Sharon Acker, who plays Odona in "The Mark of Gideon," that really
silly episode about how she's trying to catch a disease from Kirk
so she can wipe out half her planet's population so that some
people can sit down by themselves in a chair. Sorry -- she does
nothing for me.
- "Brain and brain, what is 'brain' ?" shrieks Marj Dusay in "Spock's
Brain," possibly the world's stupidest Star Trek episode. The
aforementioned line might be my favorite in the history of the
series, however. Another good one is "You are not Morg or Imorg." Um, okay.
So here's this race of women -- the givers of pain and delight
-- who live underground, ravage the men when the mood suits them,
and are too mentally uncomplicated to know how to behave on the
potty. Not to mention those ludicrous costumes. All the women
in that episode kind of look alike, really. Ms. Dusay goes in
this list, unfortunately, although fans of the Odd Couple series, who will note that she appeared as Felix's girlfriend
-- the one who was a "librarian" by day and a nude actress by
night -- will also note that she is indeed remarkably attractive.
However, simply being involved in "Spock's Brain" has doomed her
to this list. A (thankfully) ex-co-worker of mine brought up the
fact that when McCoy declares that her dipstick assistant has
the "mind of a child," her expression almost says, "Oh, yeah?
I have an agent too, you know."
- Jana of the Jungle, as co-worker Stadille calls her -- the silver-haired
L'Shanna in "Gamesters of Triskelion. Well, that's another kind
of stupid episode, and this character's hair is so intensely silly
that it makes you want to vomit. And anyway, these people in Star
Trek who say things like "'Kiss'? What is 'kiss'?" have no reason
to be pitied.
Come on -- she falls ass over tip for Kirk (who does God-knows-what
to her during the commercials -- kind of adds new meaning to the
expression "drill thrall," doesn't it?) and he responds in a very
"steeringly" affectionate manner. He always does this: pretending
he's giving his body to these women "for God and country" -- while
what he's actually doing is getting an easy knee-trembler. The
man's dirt, I tell you.
Apparently she (Angelique Pettyjohn) now appears at Star Trek
conventions giving away posters of herself almost clad in her
L'Shanna costume -- an instant boner kit for teenaged boys. (Have
I mentioned my lack of desire to be sued? If not, I'll just cover
that base now: Please don't sue me, anybody.)
- What's-her-name, who plays the weirdo daughter of Kodos the Executioner
in "The Conscience of the King." Now, I've seen her in other things
-- most notably Mission Impossible (keep your eyes peeled for another list someday: Star Trek people
who end up on Mission Impossible) -- and while she's nowhere near unattractive in this one, she's
such an incredible flake that she'd send any sane man running
for cover. But since Kirk's libido never takes a rest, he's (apparently)
in like Errol.
They do some interesting backlighting with her, and they also
make her eyes sparkle like those of someone who, for instance,
plans to kill a bunch of people in order to save her father's
ass. Weird episode. Weird chicky-pop. You're on list number two,
- France Nuyen, the oddly-attired "dolman" in "Elaan of Troyius."
First, have you ever noticed that when writers want to introduce
an outworldly quality in something, they tend to use such vowel
combinations as "ii" and "aa"? But that's irrelevant.
For my money, it's hard to justify Kirk's state of arousal as
it concerns women who chew with their mouths open and wear black
carpeting on their heads and call it hair. (This isn't Ms. Nuyen's
fault -- it's just written that way.) The pseudo-Egyptian angle
does little to arouse further interest.
I can't imagine that the character Elaan smelled particularly
good either, so you know damn well that whatever eroto-stimulant
resided in her tears had to work extremely well to sway even the
ever-horny Captain Kirk. Of course, Star Trek made clear that
ol' Jim would pretty much take them in all flavors.
Ms. Nuyen herself is a fine and appealing actress -- but not in
this role. Also, when younger, she played about two out of every
three Asian women you ever saw in movies.
- Another ostensible exotic-erotic is Adrienne Martel, who played
T'Pring in "Amok Time." "She's beautiful, Mr. Spock," announces
Uhura. This brings up an interesting point: assuming the character
Uhura is heterosexual, what the hell qualifies her to rate female
beauty? I say this to my wife all the time when she disagrees
with me about the looks of one female or another: "You're straight.
What do you know?" (Oh, I'm just teasing; take it easy, already.)
Maybe it's the ears -- I don't know (although the ears didn't
hurt Kirstie Alley in Star Trek II) -- but this T'Pring person does nothing for me, and I wouldn't
doubt that old Spock saw fit to abandon her largely out of extreme
lack of interest.