*** Warning: This document contains naughty words and "adult" themes. It's also fairly sexist, having been written long ago, when it wasn't against the law to describe someone in terms of their looks. At least, that's the excuse we're sticking with.***

• Leslie Parrish in "Who Mourns for Adonais?" First, let me mention that this, despite Ms. Parrish's presence, is among my least favorite episodes, and I have no pity for Apollo. Also, the title is so off-the-wall. Most people say "Adonis," which makes no sense in the context of the episode. I've heard Walter Koenig pronounce it "Ad-do-nay-is," which -- I mean, I don't know what the hell that means. I think they're shooting for "Oddo-nighs," as in Adonai, as in one of the Hebrew names for God. However, if this is the case, then the title implies that it's simply no longer in vogue to worship this particular "God" -- i.e. the so-called "Jewish" God. That being the case, I can think of a Jew or two who might find the concept of that title offensive. In fact, I can even be one, so watch it.

  But we're not talking spirituality here, we're talking babes, in which category Leslie Parrish seems to have qualified. Actually, she played her part quite well, and her expression was quite funny when she told the big A that she could love him no more than she could a new species of bacteria. But, I mean, who cares? The episode reeks.

  But let's see more of her in that dress. Perhaps I should rephrase that, because even in that dress, we pretty much see all of her. I approve of that -- I have no problem with attractive women in little or no clothing, and this includes my wife, of whom I'm most fond. Come on, if you think I'm dirt because I like to look at attractive women, then I suggest you turn your loathing toward co-author Stadille, who drools over the Macy's underwear ads. "Garter belts!" he moans. "Give me garter belts! Ohhhhh."

  But let's analyze this. How the hell did Ms. Parrish keep that dress on? The World of Star Trek mentions dressmaker's tape stuck to the dress and to her skin. Sounds uncomfortable. However, that's not my problem. I do approve of television series -- good series, that is -- in which a particular female person has no difficulty displaying as much of an attractive body as possible. (Diana Rigg in The Avengers comes to mind.)

• Barbara Luna in "Mirror, Mirror." First, that's one of the better episodes, which is the main reason for watching it -- I mean, what's the point of watching "Who Mourns for Adonais?" aside from watching Leslie Parrish glide around the screen clad so scantily? ("Scad so clantily?")

  Ms. Luna has shown up on a number of programs, including Mission Impossible and Perry Mason. She always plays someone of Latin descent, which, I suppose, is reasonable -- her surname means "Moon" in Spanish.

  "Mirror, Mirror" contains one of the silliest pieces of Star Trek dialogue: "What about me?" she says. "Where does Marlena fit in?" "Where does Marlena want to fit in?" says the rampant Captain Kirk.

  But nevertheless, in her dusky, exotic fashion, Barbara Luna cannot be ignored as we prepare this list.

• What's-her-name in "Court Martial" -- you know, the prosecutor. What a cutie. Not overly glamorous, but possesses an approachable, down-to-Earth (if you will) attractiveness that makes her appear as if she knows she's got it, but she doesn't take it that seriously.

• The one who played Helen Noel in "Dagger of the Mind." Wonderful legs. Terrific miniskirt. Mmm-wah! No slouch at all -- kind of reminds me of Geena Davis. A decent (if kind of silly) episode, though. "Sure, I have no designs on Captain Kirk, none whatsoever." Yeah, sure. "Right, Captain. Remember that Christmas party? Ho-ho! Yup, you carried me to your cabin and ravished me, awash in passion and perspiration. Uh-huh, really! Yeah! No, really! That's what happened, I'm serious." (My goodness, what did go on between those two? Kirk's kind of terse to her; I wonder if he had trouble with -- naw, not Jim.)

  Basically, the whole episode shows that ol' Jim really is a wolf -- I mean, up on the bridge, it's all "Sir" and "Captain," but in the boudoir it's "Jim will do here, Janice."

  I think that ol' Jim likes to exert mastery over the lower ranks -- especially the female ones he finds particularly cute. Once in a while a lowly lieutenant dares to have hot pants -- well, hot tights -- for the Big Guy, and he just takes advantage and plucks her lights out. The man's naughty, I tell you. And as he pulls on his boots afterwards, she says, "Will I see you again?" and he says, "Whoops, sorry, I'm married to my ship." The man is the ultimate sailor, I tell you.

• Another cutie no one makes too much fuss over is that attractive actress playing Dara (or whatever) in the "Patterns of Force", the Nazi episode -- she's a good guy, really. The uniform is kind of revolting, but on her, it works.

• And another is Madelyn Rhue, who plays Marla McGivers in "Space Seed." Very pretty, lovely figure -- but I agree with Khan: lose the hairstyle. She does a wonderful job in a fairly limited role. Another ex-Perry Mason guest -- and at least as attractive then.

• Lest we forget What's-her-face, who played Drusilla in "Bread and Circuses." Wooo. "Hi, Captain, I'm your personal slave, and I'll pretty much spend the entire night trying to be nice to your privates." Mr. Stadille, our unmarried co-author, says, basically, "Give me one of her." Tall, tan, young, lovely. Ahhhh.

• Actually, Jan Shutan, who plays Mira Romaine in "The Lights of Zetar," another really stupid episode, merits comment. I can never place her: I've seen her in other things, but I don't remember what. She did a wonderful job in a basically silly role (not to mention having the name of a kind of lettuce), and her fine figure helped ease the pain of that wretched episode. (Have you ever noticed what a thorough bozo Scotty is every time he gets in heat?)

• I know that at least one co-author will disagree, but Yvonne Craig was -- in the words of a friend of mine, because God knows I would never say this -- a cupcake. (Yes, I know: words like that are tar-and-feathers offenses.) In "Whom Gods Destroy," with the very talented Steve Ihnat as Garth, Ms. Craig does a wonderful job until she's blown up. This episode showed her to be an excellent comedic actress, though usually she was pretty annoying in Batman. I understand she is now a very successful real estate agent. (Batgirl Inc.?)

  They use pretty strange body makeup on her in this one, but she's lavishly endowed and graceful. (Ever notice that so much hate mail was generated when William Shatner kissed Nichelle Nichols in "Plato's Stepchildren," but not when he kissed Yvonne Craig in this episode? I mean, those imbeciles wouldn't tolerate "their" Captain Kirk kissing a black woman, but it was perfectly all right for him to kiss a blue one. You figure it out.)

  Ms. Craig played her role incredibly well -- in fact, that episode has some of the best acting in the entire series. And looking at her is certainly a pleasure -- and dissenting co-authors can take a hike.

• Another babesque person is Sabrina Scharf, who played Miramanee in "The Paradise Syndrome." Now, the costume and makeup don't do much for her, but she's muy attractive. Co-author Stadille wants her.

Then there's what we call the Ostensible Star Trek Babes: those women who are represented in an episode as if they're honeys, but actually fall far short -- whether it be due to costumes, makeup, or "just not having it":

• Joan Collins, "The City on the Edge of Forever." Sorry, pals. Of course, I mention her only because of a deep personal dislike for her current image, so it may be grossly unfair to place her in this context. But that's not my problem. (I also don't think she's all that great in this episode.)

• Both of the "babes" in "Cloud-Minders." Honestly. What's-her-name, the one who wants to get Spock alone for a few hours -- well, she don't got it. Also, her hairdo is ridiculous. So's her costume. But the "civilized Troglyte" is even less intriguing, if possible. Crappy episode, un-babelike babes. Avoid this one, especially if you're as shallow and callous as we are.

• What's-her-name in "The Deadly Years." This excellent episode is marred slightly by one of Captain Kirk's many discarded lovers. I think it's pretty easy to see why he discarded her. That insipid accent, vile hairstyle, horrid costume, and all-around lack of interesting physical aspects puts this lady near the top (well, bottom) of the list.

• What's-her-face, the woman who played Deela in "In the Wink of an Eye." Now, in my opinion she's not unattractive. Not at all. However, I can't picture people leaving their wives for her, either. Now, co-author Beck thinks the woman barks, but I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt.

  Interestingly, she's featured in one of the only three episodes we can think of where Captain Kirk actually nails someone. (Pardon me -- what a horribly sexist, insensitive term. I meant to say "bones.") The other two are "The Paradise Syndrome" and "Bread and Circuses," which features the lovely actress who played Drusilla, Jim's bang of the evening.

  Actually, what's-her-name-Deela-person does a marvelous acting job. The only other thing I can think of having seen her in is a Perry Mason where she played, not surprisingly, a ditzy blonde, and where her clothing really showed off quite a nice figure. She shouldn't actually be in this list, although I'm not sure she belongs in the top list either.

• What's-her-name who played Tina What's-her-name in "Charlie X." First, where do they find these hairstyles? Second, where do they find that dialogue? ("I know when I'm not wanted! Hmph!") Third, what the hell is a 15-year-old doing on a starship? She's the one that Charlie turned into a reptile that makes strange noises.

• Sally Kellerman in "Where No Man Has Gone Before." Like a reasonably fine wine, Ms. Kellerman has sort of more or less improved with age. Actually, she is indeed quite attractive, and her wonderful speaking voice has been heard on a number of commercials in the past several years. But as a Star Trek babe she misses the mark by a good yard or two.

  In the last 30 years, Ms. Kellerman has -- I won't say "blossomed," because somehow that just doesn't quite fit -- but anyway, my entirely correct opinion is that she's much more attractive in (I hate to put it this way) middle age than in youth. But then, the hairstyle kind of bit the big one, as did the sexless costume they draped over her.

  That kind of brings up another fairly obvious point about Star Trek : the honestly ridiculous things they made the women wear, especially crew members. I mean, come on: miniskirts? Let's be real. Again, I like revealing clothing on attractive women, but this is a military outfit. (Horrible pun not even remotely intended. Sorry.)

• Joanne Linville, who played Commander What's-her-name in "The Enterprise Incident." I do enjoy that episode, but it violates so many of Star Trek 's so-called principles set forth in previous episodes. First, the Enterprise jumps offside into the Neutral Zone, and Kirk has the gall to say "Whoops, sorry, went crazy there" -- all as a very deliberate ploy to cause trouble for the Romulans. That's quite antisocial. Second, Spock lies . A lot.

  The byplay between Spock and the Romulan "babe" is incredibly silly. Although I do have the occasional similar evening with my wife: drinking out of square glasses (What if the corner doesn't point downwards? Will you spill stuff all over your clothes?), and giving each other finger-waves (handjobs, I guess you could call them) -- kind of like Robin Curtis in Star Trek III: "Pon farr... pon... farr!" Yecch. I mean, really: the Romulan's breathing deepens, she damn near pants in Spock's presence -- does she really expect to arouse the guy? And does he really expect to think himself into a state of Vulcan arousal, all for the Federation? Please.

  The thing that makes this particular babe an ostensible one is not her actual looks -- she's not exactly my type, but she's not unattractive -- but the fact that she's totally sucked in, as it were, by the enemy. Yup, she's really going to fall for that garbage.

  Take this scenario. Here she is, a Romulan -- and a female one at that. And don't try to make me believe in complete social or economic equality between the sexes on Romulus, because you'll be wasting your time. Anyway, here she is, having risen to Commander, with little Subcommander Tal, a male, as her flunky. All very nice. But if Romulus' culture is anything like ours, this lady had to work harder and prove that she was better and more competent than her male contemporaries. I mean, none of this "Well, we gotta put women in high places" stuff: she earned her commission. And here she is getting totally snookered by the Federation? And in such a silly dress and earrings? I don't buy into it.

  For these not entirely valid reasons, she appears on this list. Sorry.

• Ruth in "Shore Leave." What's her name? I don't know. Ee-yecch. Again, it's not so much that she herself is particularly unattractive, but a number of factors put her on this list.

  First, there's that horrid music that plays every time Big Jim thinks of her. Don't you think he'd get tired of hearing it -- I mean, if I were Captain Kirk, I'd entirely stop thinking of Ruth just to keep from having to hear that music. Bleah.

  Second (again) the dress and earrings must go. I mean, this planet goes and conjures up Kirk's fantasies? Well, it doesn't say much for his tastes if he continually pictures Ruth in that horrid get-up. Ker-barph.

  Third -- oh, that hairstyle. Phyllis Diller meets the Queen of England. Ker-pukle. And "Blecch."

  But mostly, though, it's that insipid music.

• Just like with Jill Ireland, Leila Kalomi or whatever the hell her name was in "This Side of Paradise" -- another of my least favorite episodes. Where the hell did they come up with a Hawaiian name for this blonde, pseudo-English chick? And especially: there's that music again. Awful. Now, Ms. Ireland was a very attractive woman (though not necessarily much of her as an actress), but she, or her character, anyway, did very little for me in this episode.

  But anyway, mostly because of that music and the pity I fail to feel for her character, Ms. Ireland appears on this list without question. Also, I wish that whoever wrote that music woud jam a G-clef up an orifice -- but not one of mine.

• What's-her-name that played Irina in "The Way to Eden." Horrible episode. Seriously vomit-making and thoroughly unbuyable. Anyway, here's Irina: ludicrous dress, silly makeup, horrible hairstyle and fetid accent -- and Chekov gets a "stiffy." Blecch.

  Sorry, hon, you go here.

• It almost hurts me to mention this one, but Lee Meriweather, who's honestly beautiful, is almost bowwowesque in -- jeez, what is the name of that episode? "I am for you, D'Amato." (Oh, yes: "That Which Survives." Thanks, co-author Beck.) I think it's the costume. And the eye makeup. I also think that co-authors Beck and Stadille disagree with me, and both certainly would have elected her Miss America way back when. I think Barnaby Jones hurt her credibility. So anyway, here she is with the un-hons.

• Here's another one I'm not sure where to place. I mean, she's got a wonderful figure, featuring a generous bosom and a lower half with black leather trousers painted on, but her makeup and wig totally detract from her otherwise spectacular appearance. I speak of what's-her-face, who played Nona in "A Private Little War." Yeah, lady, I got your Mako-root and Sexweed right here . Pretty stupid episode. Also, she ends up being a bad guy, so she's banished to the "ostensible" list. (Hey, you are not writing this, I am.)

• Oh, yes: another un-hon: the salt monster.

• Kate Woodville, as Natira in "For the World is Hollow, and I have Touched the Sky." Pretty silly episode. Ms. Woodville herself is not unattractive, but, as usual, the costume, hairdo, accent (well, let's be fair; I'm pretty sure she's English), quality of the episode and many other factors doom her to this list. Oh, and the eye makeup is kind of silly. And please : "Oh, don't worry, McCoy, dear -- I can cure you." Yecch.

• Sharon Acker, who plays Odona in "The Mark of Gideon," that really silly episode about how she's trying to catch a disease from Kirk so she can wipe out half her planet's population so that some people can sit down by themselves in a chair. Sorry -- she does nothing for me.

• "Brain and brain, what is 'brain' ?" shrieks Marj Dusay in "Spock's Brain," possibly the world's stupidest Star Trek episode. The aforementioned line might be my favorite in the history of the series, however. Another good one is "You are not Morg or Imorg." Um, okay.

  So here's this race of women -- the givers of pain and delight -- who live underground, ravage the men when the mood suits them, and are too mentally uncomplicated to know how to behave on the potty. Not to mention those ludicrous costumes. All the women in that episode kind of look alike, really. Ms. Dusay goes in this list, unfortunately, although fans of the Odd Couple series, who will note that she appeared as Felix's girlfriend -- the one who was a "librarian" by day and a nude actress by night -- will also note that she is indeed remarkably attractive. However, simply being involved in "Spock's Brain" has doomed her to this list. A (thankfully) ex-co-worker of mine brought up the fact that when McCoy declares that her dipstick assistant has the "mind of a child," her expression almost says, "Oh, yeah? I have an agent too, you know."

• Jana of the Jungle, as co-worker Stadille calls her -- the silver-haired L'Shanna in "Gamesters of Triskelion. Well, that's another kind of stupid episode, and this character's hair is so intensely silly that it makes you want to vomit. And anyway, these people in Star Trek who say things like "'Kiss'? What is 'kiss'?" have no reason to be pitied.

  Come on -- she falls ass over tip for Kirk (who does God-knows-what to her during the commercials -- kind of adds new meaning to the expression "drill thrall," doesn't it?) and he responds in a very "steeringly" affectionate manner. He always does this: pretending he's giving his body to these women "for God and country" -- while what he's actually doing is getting an easy knee-trembler. The man's dirt, I tell you.

  Apparently she (Angelique Pettyjohn) now appears at Star Trek conventions giving away posters of herself almost clad in her L'Shanna costume -- an instant boner kit for teenaged boys. (Have I mentioned my lack of desire to be sued? If not, I'll just cover that base now: Please don't sue me, anybody.)

• What's-her-name, who plays the weirdo daughter of Kodos the Executioner in "The Conscience of the King." Now, I've seen her in other things -- most notably Mission Impossible (keep your eyes peeled for another list someday: Star Trek people who end up on Mission Impossible) -- and while she's nowhere near unattractive in this one, she's such an incredible flake that she'd send any sane man running for cover. But since Kirk's libido never takes a rest, he's (apparently) in like Errol.

  They do some interesting backlighting with her, and they also make her eyes sparkle like those of someone who, for instance, plans to kill a bunch of people in order to save her father's ass. Weird episode. Weird chicky-pop. You're on list number two, honey.

• France Nuyen, the oddly-attired "dolman" in "Elaan of Troyius." First, have you ever noticed that when writers want to introduce an outworldly quality in something, they tend to use such vowel combinations as "ii" and "aa"? But that's irrelevant.

  For my money, it's hard to justify Kirk's state of arousal as it concerns women who chew with their mouths open and wear black carpeting on their heads and call it hair. (This isn't Ms. Nuyen's fault -- it's just written that way.) The pseudo-Egyptian angle does little to arouse further interest.

  I can't imagine that the character Elaan smelled particularly good either, so you know damn well that whatever eroto-stimulant resided in her tears had to work extremely well to sway even the ever-horny Captain Kirk. Of course, Star Trek made clear that ol' Jim would pretty much take them in all flavors.

  Ms. Nuyen herself is a fine and appealing actress -- but not in this role. Also, when younger, she played about two out of every three Asian women you ever saw in movies.

• Another ostensible exotic-erotic is Adrienne Martel, who played T'Pring in "Amok Time." "She's beautiful, Mr. Spock," announces Uhura. This brings up an interesting point: assuming the character Uhura is heterosexual, what the hell qualifies her to rate female beauty? I say this to my wife all the time when she disagrees with me about the looks of one female or another: "You're straight. What do you know?" (Oh, I'm just teasing; take it easy, already.)

  Maybe it's the ears -- I don't know (although the ears didn't hurt Kirstie Alley in Star Trek II) -- but this T'Pring person does nothing for me, and I wouldn't doubt that old Spock saw fit to abandon her largely out of extreme lack of interest.

Copyright ©1988 by Gregg Pearlman

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