Captain Kirk Doll

by David Beck

[For my birthday in September, my gift from EEEEEE! Contributing Editor David Beck was a Captain Kirk "action figure." To the back of the package, he very convincingly attached the text below -- so convincingly that he had to tell me about it because I'd simply ignored it. -- GP]

Collect all of the STAR TREK[TM] figurines!

Also available for a limited time:

Arne Darvin -- Causes any small cute furry pets to go into convulsions!

Ayelborne -- Induces serious guilt about belligerent tendencies with blinding light!

Balok -- Drinks tranya without belching!

Charlie X -- Eyeballs go into skull, transferring annoying people to cornfield!

Dr. Sevrin -- Silly putty ears!

Drusilla -- Love slave designed specifically to get you to command your crew to beam down and participate in gladiator battles to the death!

Edith Keeler -- Prevents major world war but irrevocably alters future!

Elaan of Troyius -- Love tears disguise extremely obnoxious petulance!

Evil Kirk -- Drinks, cavorts, generally carries himself like a real *******!

Evil Spock -- Authentic goatee gives him ruthless desire to take command!

Gorn -- Hurls boulder while you hunch behind couch!

Janice Lester -- Exchange your psychophysical entity with hers!

Kara -- Loud and incessant confusion about Morg and Imorg makes you puke!

Khan -- Leads insurrection with superhuman strength and luxury car pitch ("Rich Corinthian leather")!

Losira -- Her touch results in painful skin condition!

Mira Romaine -- Pupils reveal evil sinister light creatures!

Miramanee -- Death after mild bump on head attracts fly buzzing around face!

Nancy Crater -- Transforms into vampire creature if not fed enough salt!

Natira -- Stunningly realistic vapidity!

Nomad -- Genuine sterilization feature makes world a better place!

Richard Daystrom -- Develops supercomputer capable of unwittingly destroying all your furniture with torpedo barrage!

Red-shirted security guard guy -- Gets wasted in excruciatingly painful way to no surprise to anyone!

T'Pring -- Refuses to put out for long agonizing periods of time!

Talos IV Keeper -- Authentic butthead cranium!

Tommy Starnes -- Simulates realistic beat-off motion!

Yang -- Mumbles words to "Pledge of Allegiance"!

[Dave adds that one of these is an actual doll. Guess which one. -- GP]

Copyright ©1997 by David Beck

Last updated 11/26/97
Gregg Pearlman,

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