By Gregg Pearlman
Geez, that Scotty is driving me right up the fucking wall. It's not bad enough that he uses that ludicrous accent, but he has to play it up for the ladies too -- as if that does any good. I mean, for God's sake, the guy's from Vermont. He's never even been to Scotland. What's more, almost everyone on the ship knows it, and those who don't know it don't give a shit.
The women think he's a flaming asshole. I hear it in the halls: "Ohmigod, Janice, did you hear what Scotty did to me?"
"No, what?"
"He walked right up to me, pressed his -- well, his front, you know? -- up against my butt and said, 'How about you and me going down to engineering and watching some submarine races?' He stopped bothering me after I slapped him, of course, but can you believe that? What potato truck does he think I fell off of?"
"Yeah, I know just what you mean. He's always going up to Uhura and 'pretending' to bump into her boobs. And yesterday -- get this -- he came up to me -- in the rec room, mind you -- and said he wanted to 'ba-longa' me with his 'Bonny Johnny.' Ecch. I mean, who'd ever go to bed with that asshole?"
"Well, Mira did, remember? She kept saying, 'Aw, he's sweet.' Then they.... well, you know. Almost made her barf, so she pretended to be possessed by these 'voices' from Zetar just to make him go away, only he kept bothering her -- 'Mira won't kill me,' he said. You can bet that she tried, though. Turns out that he's not only a lousy lover, but he wanted her to watch him, you know -- well, you can imagine what he wanted her to watch him do."
"Ohmigod! Really?"
"Would I lie to you, honey? So anyway, she just threw his clothes at him and told him to get the hell out, and he slunk out like a guilty dog. And here's the best part: it was his cabin!"
I'm serious, I really heard that story. Of course, I tape recorded it so I could get this transcript. I played the tape for Bones, and he cracked up. "Mira actually did the guy?" he said. He couldn't believe it either. I mean, she's quite a tomato, and come on, let's face it, I have quite a reputation as, shall we say, a "lover," and Mira wouldn't even give me a tumble. But she goes and shtupps this guy who's always sweaty and smells like bacon fat. You figure it out, because I can't.
But the funniest part of that whole exchange is the way I timed my entrance: those women didn't expect me to be there while they were ragging on Scotty, so when I came around the corner they were really startled. I said "Hi, girls. Oh, by the way, Janice, Mr. Scott says hello and thanks for yesterday afternoon, and wanted to know if he left one of his socks under your bed." (I may as well mention that it was Yeoman Rand and Nurse Chapel who were ragging on him.)
Anyway, Chapel looked at Rand like, "My God, you actually let that clown touch you?"
And Janice kept saying, "But... but... but..." What a scream.
Outrageous. Anyway, Janice came in here earlier and said, "Captain, permission to speak freely?"
"Sure, Janice, what's on your mind?" I said, knowing full well.
"Well, let me just say that I wish you hadn't said what you said to Chris Chapel and me, because now she thinks I've actually -- well, I just wish you hadn't said that, okay? I mean, I'd really appreciate it if you told Chapel that you were only kidding."
I said, "What's the big deal, Janice? It was a joke. There should be no problem -- unless you're trying to hide something."
So Janice says, "Um, if you must know, Captain, we were taking Mr. Scott to the cleaners. I was telling her a story that Lt. Romaine told me, and then you walked up. I think Scotty's a bozo, Captain, and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't say things to people that made them think I ever associated with the guy. I'm asking you this as a personal favor, okay?"
Of course, this put me in a great position, because it's all over the ship how Janice has the hots for me, right? Now, okay, I'm not really all that interested in her, largely because of that hairdo, but she'll do if I don't get lucky elsewhere, so I say, "What's in it for me?"
Well, suffice it to say that she surprised the hell out of me. She said, "Well, if you do this favor for me, I'll do one for you."
Of course, I warmed to this, and I said "And what favor would that be?"
She said, "I'll let go of your balls!" and grabbed my huevos with her fingernails. Bitch!
So I said "Okay, okay!" and as soon as she let go, I transferred her to Starbase fucking 28, where she has to spend the next five years cleaning wax out of the ears of 100,000 cloned emus. That'll teach her.
Copyright ©1988 by Gregg Pearlman
Last updated 7/6/96